Yeah I know, today we are in 2018 and I finally have some spare time to write an entry (yeay me!)
These few years are slow but packed with my university schedule activities and studies to do and all the travel for the assignment and eating to balance the emotional take-out after long social interaction with peoples (fuh! talk about talking with strangers). Anyways, now I'm having my internship at an island called Redang Island. It's at east coast of Malaysia as well as many of other Malaysian knows it. So far, my internship is good, not that adrenaline-challenge but exhausting kind of repetitious work that so overwhelming and eating all your inner positive-ty. Here's the thing. I like to talk with people. I really do (well not until my boss point it out to me that I 'love' doing so and he praised me for being so) but to be around people and at the same time exert your energy continuously, makes all the negative thoughts to glue themselves in my brain and eating me up, ALIVE (almost).
For the most part is that, the negative thoughts... they doesn't come from the people that I interact. It comes from within me. The way people looked at me, the way they talked with me and even think makes me nervous that built up one by one, brick by brick that it becomes the wall of negative-ty that is hard to break through.
You can't cry. You've tried but no single shed.
You can't scream. You've tried but no voice sang through.
You can't even be mad. You've tried but you're just too mad that being mad is an understatement.
These thing keep pushing you down and down and until you felt like you doesn't fell anything at all. You became dull. You became fake. The smile that you put, the laughter that you laugh, the joy that you shared and even the loneliness that you felt when you were left behind... it is all become to feel fake and unreal, You don't know that the face you put is the real emotion that you felt. Nothing.
All this built up then, later I realize, I need to put it out. If not, something bad is gonna happen and I don't want that. Even thinking about it for another moment was bad enough because the words that comes after this, without I even realize start to pop-up into my mind.
Death.
Suicide.
Fade out.
It is scary. Even when I'm writing through this now... I'm shaking in the inside. I need to prevent these words from ever coming into my mind again and that is why I am writing this now. It is the only medium that I think won't make me feel judged nor pitied on. I just want a medium that listened and continue to listen. The reason why negative-ty blooms in our mind or in our heart is that because of the very first mistake your ego won't let it slide. Then it blossomed as it growth was gradually watered by your own thoughts and snide comments. The flaw that you can't accept about yourself. The un-perfectly shape of your human life that you can't even fathom to be scrutinize and seen when even what other people see in us are the most perfectly human of us. To be a human, is to be accepting that we were born with flaw. Embrace it. I know it's going to take up some time, to be accepted by someone called 'you'. Maybe even after this you're gonna make another mistake, another flaw you can't accept again, then you later know the process.
Do not kept it. Cry.
Do not push it inside. Scream.
Be mad, even at yourself, at the mirror, then cry again. Cry until your heart felt a lot more better and a lot more ease to breath too :)
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| jpeg curtsy to pinterest.com |
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